Her Menu's So Woke, It's on the Right Side of History

If you think about it, eating food is weird.

If an alien showed up and asked, "What does eating mean on Planet Earth?" this is how I would try to describe it:

Energy from the sun goes into plants, and that energy goes into animals, and all that energy goes into salads and bacon bits and boxed cereal shaped like rainbows. 

Then we shove those things into a large hole in our head, where multiple rows of calcified minerals (and a mild acid) crush and liquify the material, which goes down a tube into a pit of boiling acid.

We do this every few hours...though some of us do it more than normal, or consume only carbohydrates.

Some people are lucky, however, and forgo the giant Hole of Death©. These folks are fed by a tube and electric pump whether they like it or not, enjoying the benefits of tasting nothing for the rest of their lives.



We fancy this process up with cooking shows and branded packaging and well-designed menus that make the idea of shove-food-in-death-hole less horrible.

In addition, we add custom and ritual to give this ridiculous notion some kind of meaning.

____

My daughter Miriam, on the other hand, eats on a higher plane of existence. If I was to present a menu based on her daily meals, this is what it would look like.

Note: Not accurate, as it changes regularly

Instead of all that boring chewing, her form of eating has evolved.

Using an analogy, if using the mouth to consume food daily is considered a 20th Century General Cultural Standard, then Miriam's version would be considered "Woke" and "On the Right Side of History."

It looks like this on the outside:

It works like this on the inside:

Though we are always reminded of this:

If you recognize this reference, your geek cred just went up 357%

And sometimes it reminds me of this:

If you recognize THIS reference, give yourself another 218% bonus

So is it weird that my daughter uses a G/J tube instead of chewing because if she chewed she'd continue to aspirate and risk another bout of pneumonia and that's bad?

Not really. For three reasons.

First, because it is, like many of the constructs my daughter must use, a scientific miracle. 100 years ago, she would not be alive.

Instead, she gets to take a great photo with our friend (and one of her caregivers) Donna.

The second reason the G/J tube is great is it allows us to perfectly measure a keto-friendly diet, which has single-handedly held off her seizures for six years and counting.

I don't think you understand the importance of that, so I'll use a bigger font, add color and make it bold.

SIX YEARS AND COUNTING

I include a picture of Miriam as a mermaid. It does not reinforce my point. It's just cute.

The third and most important reason having a tube and pump is because it allows me to do something rad. 

I can fill a clean bag full of chocolate milk and pump said milk into my mouth while I watch a movie. 

The technology allows me to have a constant supply of chocolatey goodness over the course of two hours, and nominates me as the laziest (and smartest) man in the entire world.*

*I haven't done it yet. But I will. Eventually.